i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
