Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
