you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
