Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
