She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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