Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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