well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
