I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
