that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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