Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
