remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
