dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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