did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
