I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
