My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
