Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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