just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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