My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
