Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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