I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
