Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
