she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
