mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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