FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
