This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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