I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i drank out of a bidet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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