I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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