I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
