I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
