So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
