youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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