piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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