I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
