How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
