There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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