i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
