apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
