Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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