I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The best revenge is premature balding
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
