Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
