Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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