pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
