Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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