plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
