Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
