can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
