the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
