Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
