Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
