Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Pants are for mortals
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
