Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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